1together:  Blogthoughts on church, life, and emerging culture…

So I was driving the other day, letting my thoughts wander. Driving is SO good for that, really gives me a way to unwind and process life. My thoughts continued to ebb and flow and then snagged on some junk embedded at the bottom of the riverbed. Ah yes, past sins, mistakes, and things I would rather forget, pretend they never happened. We all have these things, these areas of our lives, and whether healed over or still a gaping wound, they seem to come charging at us, or at least at me, like a Mack truck! Often dredged up by something familiar, a sight, sound, or smell, these little flashbacks do wonders in putting a damper on the rest of the day, which is exactly what happened to me on my way home as I was passing Home Depot.

Wow! My mind got stuck on a couple memories, things I have confessed to God and others, yet to which there is still a lot of shame and regret attached. The one mistake I didn’t make while sitting there in the car was to think I was somehow the only one who experiences these flashbacks of failure. Oh, no, they are pretty much hard-wired into us as humans! And although the things my mind got stuck on have been covered by God’s grace, by way of the sacrifice Christ made on the cross, I found myself feeling like a failure for ever having needed grace in the first place.

“I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I did that,” I said to myself in this normal rant of self-bashing and abuse that somehow helps me get over my past and move on, if only for the moment. As I continued I got the sense that something wasn’t quite right. All these negative things and feelings truly did confirm how I feel about myself, but is that how God sees me? Then it hit me. If Jesus forgave me, forgot about that fact that I fell, continue to fall, and will fall again (unless I cease to be human), then why am I bashing myself for things that don’t even factor into my identity in God’s view of me?

God KNOWS we are sick with sin. It is a virus his children contracted at the Fall. And although Christ has come to bring life and grace and peace, we still deal with the effects of this disease. Through the power of the Holy Spirit and community of believers we can have victory over areas of great failure and compromise, but sin will remain an unwelcome companion until the day our bodies stop working and life on Earth is complete. This is reality. No amount of mind games or positive thinking can change this. We find peace when we throw ourselves at the foot of the cross. That act alone is life-changing, and while we may not slip into the same areas that once held, or currently hold, us captive, it is impossible to go one waking moment without dealing with this parasite of good.

We are sick with sin. And our Father knows this.

When I was little I was sick a lot with a lesser version of whooping cough we lovingly called “croup.” It made me cough like a seal and when I was really young made my breathing pretty labored and difficult. It was scary. My earliest memory, as far back as I can remember, is one of those long nights when I was awake coughing, crying because I was scared and couldn’t breathe. One such night, my parents tried to keep me calm – if I got too worked up, my breathing would grow even worse. But on this occasion, my earliest memory, I remember suffering through one of these coughing fits, my dad holding me close, letting me hear his breathing, feel his heart beating with my face buried in his chest. He spoke in deep, soothing tones to calm me down, and took me outside to breathe in the cool midnight air.

He didn’t scold me for keeping him up all night, or making a ruckus with my croupy cough. No, he held me tight, spoke good things to me, prayed over me, and pointed out the star constellations overhead, teaching me about things yet far away, and how to be quiet and be held. And this, my friends, is EXACTLY what the Father does for us. He doesn’t scold his children for being sick, he simply holds us. He sings over us, and speaks to us of things yet far away. Why would truly a loving Father scold his son or daughter for being symptomatic of a disease he contracted at birth? God knows this sickness’s course follows a set time schedule, he knows the number of our days and when the full recovery from sin will take place and we will see him in all his fullness. Until then, we follow a course of treatment laid out for us two thousand years ago!

So why all this negative talk? Why do I talk down to myself for the past, and even the present, when it has already been forgiven and covered by God’s grace? Is it because I feel that is what I deserve for having fallen into whatever area of sin? Do I really take on the role of both the abusive husband and the battered wife? I treat myself so poorly because I think tough times are my fault, then turn around and accept the abuse because I deserve it? Do I actually believe I am deserving of such verbal abuse? Am I that unable, or unwilling, to accept God’s grace that I think I need to make up for his lack of disappointment by treating myself so? He doesn’t talk to me this way, so why do I? This is not right, and yet, because I am human it is a difficult one to escape. And this is where the walking out of the faith truly exists! I don’t believe it is the great depths to which a man has fallen that come to define him, or even how high he bounces after that defeat. Rather, how does he integrate the experience into the rest of his life? What is his journey?

Thoughts?

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8